NEW YORK — Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav has been found dead on the street, under an anvil with the phrase “That’s all, folks!” written on it.
“I say, I say, this wasn’t a random act of cartoon violence—we believe it was a targeted attack,” said Police Chief Foghorn Leghorn. “Looky here, son, the trap was baited to specifically attract Zaslav, using a pile of film reels and a sign that read ‘Free Tax Write-Offs.’ That’s called knowing your target, do ya understand, son?”
Coroner Peter Lorre described the victim’s injuries as typical of this kind of incident.
“First responders reported seeing small stars circling the victim’s head,” Lorre said. “On closer examination, we discovered he had suffered severe compression into an accordion shape. Paramedics tried to resuscitate him, but ceased their efforts when they saw a winged, translucent form holding a harp rise out of his body and get out one last quip as he ascended into the clouds.”
The identity of the killer remains unknown, but witnesses describe a haggard, dog-like creature wearing a #ReleaseCoyotevsAcme hoodie.
“After the attack, I saw him strap on a pair of rocket skates and zoom off into a tunnel painted on a wall,” reported one witness. “The police tried to follow him in, but smacked right into the wall. Even worse, a bunch of them were also wearing rocket skates, and a couple launched themselves out of giant slingshots, so they really got pancaked. This is exactly why we shouldn’t be letting police use taxpayer funds to purchase cartoon-grade equipment.”
With the suspect still at large, police are advising other CEOs to carry tiny umbrellas for protection.
