SAN FRANCISCO — Cascading out of every open window and door, thousands of slimy, botched Wes Anderson clones escaped OpenAI’s headquarters this morning, witnesses confirmed.
“Dammit dammit dammit! Our experiment was on the verge of completion!” exclaimed OpenAI’s lead engineer Nelson Graham. “If it weren’t for the clones’ meticulously choreographed escape plan featuring an intricate series of stop-motion puppet distractions, they never would have escaped. And we almost caught them during that bicycle chase sequence in the corridor until they bribed our guards with those artfully hand-rolled cigarettes! Now we’ll never know how Rocky III would look if Wes Anderson made it!”
The San Francisco Police Department issued an urgent warning to all citizens in the area.
“Do not go outside, and if you absolutely must, do not wear tweed,” said Chief of Police Theo Scott in a press conference, explaining that the clones aren’t afraid to do absolutely whatever it costs to get the fabric into their mangled hands. “Furthermore, we’ve found the only successful way to neutralize the clones is by shooting them in the face, and then shooting them again on the opposite side of their face. The shots must be perfectly symmetrical.”
Acclaimed movie director Wes Anderson responded to the incident.
“If you’re going to clone me, you at least have to understand that there’s more to me than tweed jackets and cigarettes,” remarked Anderson, pulling a cigarette out of his tweed jacket. “I’m flattered that these brilliant minds have gone through all the trouble of incubating thousands of clones of me in a hidden underground bunker, but maybe go do your own fucking thing instead? Or at least find a second person to clone. What would Game of Thrones look like if Tarantino made it?”
As of press time, OpenAI was able to capture 792 of the escaped clones with a large cardboard cutout of Tilda Swinton and a net.
