LOS ANGELES — Following the announcement that beloved Cartoon Network mini-series Over the Garden Wall will be leaving Max just before fall, therapists nationwide have been bracing themselves for the emotional fallouts of their clients, according to those close to the community.
“It’s been a lot of tough conversations,” said Tacoma-based psychiatrist, Dr. Barbara Kenton-Sachs, “I have so many cardigan-clad millennials in here who just insist that they don’t need to go on Fluoxetine. If I can’t change their minds by September 1st, I don’t know what’s going to happen. The number of bitter, snarky Tumblr posts may reach critical mass.”
Recent cancellations, re-brandings and streaming purges have been cause for some concern among comfort viewers lately. And the Elijah Wood, Melanie Lynskey-starring dark-fantasy series, which many have used to stave off seasonal affective disorder, is just the latest on the chopping block.
“It’s fine,” said Acey Atkinson, a self-described OTGW super-fan. “I’m doing just fine. It’s just a show. It’s like when they said I couldn’t like Harry Potter anymore. I did fine. I’m doing fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to sit down to a dinner of potatoes and molasses. If you want some… oh just ask… NO! I… breathe. Remember, you’re a Hufflepuff. Remember, you’re a Huffle. Puff.”
Sources close to Atkinson have announced that despite the fact that she claims to be a Hufflepuff, they consider her neither kind, easy-going nor especially helpful.
“This whole thing never made a lot of sense to me,” said Robert Felder, a programmer at Max. “I tried telling Zaslav that messing with peoples’ comfort viewing was a ruinously stupid idea. He just laughed and said ‘I don’t know the meaning of the word.’ And I said: ‘What word? Ruinous?’ And he said: ‘No. Idea.’”
“He threatened to delete my family for tax purposes,” Felder said. “I’m not sure he has any real grasp on reality anymore.”
As of press time, an activist group hoping to help Millennials make it through the winter has been doing outreach to help educate childless people in their late-20s to mid-30s on how to obtain blu-rays of their favorite childrens’ cartoons.
