NEW YORK — Controversial crime fighter and local folk hero Spider-Man tragically passed away after his trademark “Spidey Sense” failed to notify him of the poisonous spider that crawled up his leg and bit him, sources have confirmed.
“Oh, my poor Peter, if only you had a sense that told you there were spiders on you,” said May Parker, a family member who spoke at the funeral, finally revealing the identity of the costumed crime-fighter. “Your uncle always told you ‘With great power comes great responsibility,’ but I wish he had told you ‘Peter, make sure you check for spiders on your back every now and again. For some reason they really seem to be attracted to you.’ That would have saved your life.”
Some in the local media have stated that the relatively pedestrian downfall of one of the world’s most storied superheroes is proof he was a fraud.
“Ha, what’d I tell you?” asked J. Jonah Jameson, editor in chief of The Daily Bugle. “That bum was a hack, a phony, an absolute con artist! He’s swinging around like some kind of savior of the city when all along he was no more in tune with the spiders around him than you or I. The city called him Spider-Man, I called him A Nut With a Bunch of Rope, and I think we see who was right. Now get out of here and take whoever let you into my office with you!”
Despite the unfavorable opinions of the late Spider-Man, many mourners at today’s funeral said he will be remembered for his spirit and bravery, not the untimely downfall to a little spider.
“He saved my life a few times,” said Mary Jane Parker, one of many gathered for the ceremony. “He was never one to back down from a challenge, never one to run away from a fight. That’s just who he was. But also, I used to ask him if it was possible that the other spiders in town thought he was some kind of threat and might one day try to kill him, and he said that was ridiculous and that I just didn’t understand this science stuff.”
As of press time, rumors that Dr. Octopus has drowned at an aquatic zoo have been confirmed. There are no updates as to what exhibit this took place in at this time.
