TOLEDO, Ohio — A newly diminished budget at a local public high school has reportedly forced local bully Mike Horn to integrate all of the nerds he’s harassing into a single locker.
“Yeah, this fiscal year has been rough so far,” said Horn, stuffing a third boy into a shared locker. “Used to be we had the tall fuckers all up and down every hallway, but now they’re closing the whole arts program and most of the hallways had to switch over to the cube lockers to accommodate all of these dorks. I gotta head all the way to the 200 hall to use these big lockers now. It’s a real pain in my ass, frankly.”
The recent closing and consolidation of several wings of the school have reportedly caused less than desirable conditions for many on campus beyond just the bullies.
“I know the nerds aren’t thrilled about sharing lockers, but we’re all making compromises around here,” said Roosevelt Sykes, principal of Rocky Shores High School. “I got teachers sharing rooms, busses with too many kids on them, and I got a damn janitor coaching the basketball team. Ever since we granted the local police force an extra four million dollars a year I’ve had to buy pencils for my students. So yeah, we’re all feeling it around here. Tell those nerds to try and come with a better budget while they’re all cooped up.”
The nerds have reportedly been adjusting better than many had expected to the new crowded conditions.
“It’s actually sort of nice to have the company,” reported Arnie Jarvis, freshman, from the vents of the locker he and two others were stuffed into. “We play Hearthstone and chess and one day Luke actually had some dice in his pocket so we were able to play some D&D by the light of our phones. I fear we’re going to run out of oxygen soon, but beyond that, not too shabby! Could you excuse us, please? We’re in the middle of a game here.”
As of press time, all three bullies stuffed in the locker missed their bus to go home.
