This city has a problem. A masked menace who thinks he can just run roughshod over anyone he deems as lesser than the other citizens just because of some crimes being committed. Everyone seems to love him though, no one listens to the most sensible person in all of New York, J. Jonah Jameson. If they did, maybe my friends wouldn’t be out of commission.
I’m of course talking about Spider-Man. He swings around like he owns the place, covering the city in the sticky white goo he shoots out. It’s disgusting, I’m sick of him and I’m gonna defeat him.
You might be thinking that there’s no way I could possibly do that, and I can see why you might think that. Sure, Spider-Man has been able to defeat supervillains like that old guy with the wings, eight-legged George Costanza, the big black goo, Avi Arad, and Killer Croc, but they didn’t have the determination I do.
Time and time again I’ve had to witness my friends put in the hospital by this freak. We’re not hurting anybody, we aren’t blowing up buildings or infecting the city with a plague. We might steal some jewels or sell some drugs, but we’re just trying to make a living in this messed up economy. I just want to be able to afford a carton of eggs and pay child support to the six estranged kids I have. But this guy has to always come along and beat the tar out of us.
Five Finger Frankie is in a coma since Spider-Man spun him around in the air and slammed him head first. Two Ball Saul is about to become One Ball Saul since Spider-Man whipped that mailbox at him. It’s inhumane, it’s superhero brutality.
Unlike all those superpowered villains, it’s personal for me. That’s how I know I can defeat him.
I don’t need any powers to do it either, just my own naturally obtained muscles and my good friend Floyd the baseball bat. I know I can wear him down, he can’t dodge all of my attacks if I just keep swinging non-stop. Good old Floyd will protect me against his attacks and when he least expects it, I’ll start wailing on him. I don’t need powers and I don’t need a gang to do it, I have the lord on my side.
When I defeat him I’ll be a hero to all the downtrodden. They’ll look up to me and this will be my city. I’ll even give everyone health insurance like Mr. Fisk gave to us before that masked menace put him behind bars.
