WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans prepare for a historic social media ban made possible by a groundbreaking bipartisan campaign between political parties, RedNote, a totally different Chinese social media app that steals your data, has risen in popularity.
“They’re infringing on my First Amendment rights!” says social media influencer, Ray-Ray Baller. “The government should have no business telling me who I can and can’t give my mother’s maiden name, social security number, and blood type to.”
Young people across the country are ditching TikTok, which the Supreme Court has deemed a threat to national security, for the next closest thing.
“RedNote is a non-Americanized social media that is totally chill and most definitely isn’t doing exactly what TikTok was doing to get banned,” says social media expert Madison Montgomery. “And the best part is, it isn’t owned by a sad, divorced billionaire that oozes toxic masculinity… Come to think of it, I don’t know who owns RedNote, probably a really cool Chinese billionaire with morals and stuff.”
U.S. Senators and Congressmen agree that the app they are completely confused by is destroying the very fabric of their country’s democracy. And now, a unanimous 9-0 approval by the Supreme Court to uphold the ban has put TikTok’s final saving grace into the hand of President-elect Donald Trump.
“These children are gold mines of valuable data, and they’re just giving it away to one of our greatest enemies?!” says Republican Congressman, Doug Jerqoph. “The only way to wrangle these disrespectful kids is to regulate which bathrooms they use, what sports they can play, and what apps they spend all their parents’ data on.”
At press time, the RedNote surge has resulted in a large influx of Duolingo users changing their focus to Mandarin.
