The final installment of the iconic Mission Impossible franchise, appropriately titled The Final Reckoning, is in theaters now. Is Ethan Hunt’s last hurrah a worthy send off? Yes. Fantastic movie, 5 stars, 10/10, perfect no notes. Cinema is saved again.
Now that the review is out of the way, let’s talk about serious business. Tom Cruise, please put me on the coconut cake list. I love cake. I love coconut. I’ve never had a coconut cake but I bet I would love it. I bet I would love it just as much as you love movies. I know you’re reading this so don’t ghost me. You love movies too much not to read every review to make sure you succeeded in giving the audience the best possible time at the movies. You did by the way. Bravo. All the stunts were worth it.
You want to know what the greatest stunt would be though? The one stunt that would define your legacy as the greatest man to ever be great at everything. It would be sending your famous coconut cake to a nobody online satire writer. Think about it. What rich famous person has ever gone out of their way to give a complete nobody their world famous cake just because they asked? The answer is none. You would be the first and you would be celebrated beyond belief. People would say, “Hey that Tom Cruise is so amazing. He hangs off of airplanes for our enjoyment and sends his famous coconut cake to random comedy writers on the internet just because they asked. What an incredible man.”
Receiving this coconut cake is the greatest honor anyone can receive. I am humble enough to admit that I do not deserve to be bestowed such a gift but I want it and I need it. We’re not so different, you and I. You love making movies and I love watching them. We are two sides of the same coin. You love running in movies and I love watching you run in movies. I am no athlete, I am a mere writer but I once won my 5th grade tack and field by using your running form. Surely that makes me worthy of at least being considered to be added to the cake list.
Everything you do, you do it for us, the audience and we appreciate it. At least I do. If there are a billion Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are a million Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are a thousand Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are 100 Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there is one Tom Cruise fan, it is me. If there are no Tom Cruise fans, it is because I am dead but I know deep in my heart you would never let me die. The Final Reckoning hammers home the fact that Ethan Hunt never let us down. I know you never let us down either Tom. Don’t start now. Put me on that cake list.
Overall, The Final Reckoning is an excellent action film and a fitting send off to an iconic franchise and to America’s greatest action hero. Don’t walk to see it, run. Run like Tom is no doubt running to add me to the coconut cake list. Seriously, please Tom, it’s all I want. I’ll even listen to a Scientology pitch if you want to give me one. Just please send me that cake.
Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning: ★★★★★
My Odds of Getting a Coconut Cake From Tom: ★★★★★★★★★★
