NEW YORK — In a joint press conference, Mastercard and Visa reassured the global community today by confirming that lesbian porn was still very much allowed.
“We’ve heard you loud and clear,” said Mastercard’s CEO Bill Jackoff. “Seriously. It’s all we’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. Just a bunch of whining and yapping about how we’re ‘stealing your livelihood’ or ‘carrying out the work of far-right freaks who’ve never known the touch of another human being’. And I’m here to tell you to chill out. Lesbian porn isn’t going anywhere.
Jackoff’s reassurances come at a pivotal moment in the gaming community’s battle against overzealous payment processors.
“Times are changing,” said Visa’s CEO John Blow. “But we don’t have to change with them. To be very clear, we’re only allowing lesbian porn crafted for the male gaze. Anything that isn’t two or more stacked babes with hourglass figures is getting tossed. And obviously, nothing longer than ten minutes, because who’s gonna last that long?”
While many have welcomed Mastercard and Visa’s statements, some organisations have shown a more tepid reaction to this latest development.
“It’s a pyrrhic victory,” admitted Melinda Tankard Reist, founder of Collective Shout. “Still, we’ll take it. I drove away my husbands to make a worse world for people, and I’m certainly not going to stop now.”
At press time, Melinda Tankard Reist confirmed to reporters that her next pursuit was to “ensure as many women as possible die in childbirth.”
