BURBANK, Calif. — Marvel Studios has reportedly sealed all exits and shuttered all doors and entered an emergency state after a guard found Tom Holland’s cage mysteriously empty.
“I was just doing my regular hourly patrol, and then I saw Specimen Holland didn’t report in for role call,” Marvel Studios security officer Greg Rialto said. “I noticed the bars on his cage had been chewed through. I guess cold, hungry, and naked, he slipped out into the facility. I always had a soft spot for him; sometimes I would sneak him an extra little treat into his gruel at suppertime, but if I find him, I have no choice but to beat him in front of the other Avengers actors. It’s just standard policy.”
Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige released a statement about the Spider-Man actor’s daring escape.
“He may have gotten out, but he won’t get far,” said Feige. “It’s only a matter of time until we find him. He’s gotta come out eventually. Luckily, we train for this exact scenario, if one of our contracted stars wants out of the MCU, they’re going to have to be a lot craftier than this. You think Robert Downey Jr. didn’t pull some elaborate bullshit over the decade he was Iron Man? We’ve insulated this fort against every possible scenario. The only way you’re gangly ass is getting out of Marvel is in a body bag.”
Other MCU actors seemed optimistic about Holland’s chances to break out.
“Please, just one of us needs to get out of here,” said Benedict Cumberbatch from his Marvel Containment Unit. “If anyone can do it, it’s him. He’s the only one who isn’t too muscular to slink and shimmy past the laser grid, but still strong enough to defeat the guards. I don’t know if anyone will ever escape this building, but at least Tom gives me some hope that one day someone might.”
At press time, sources at Marvel reported that, even if Holland were able to leave Marvel Studios, he would only have an hour of freedom until he contractually had to report to his cell at Sony.
