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Local Man Wakes Up Bright and Early to Focus on All the Stuff He Hates

CHICAGO — A local cynic has outlined his daily routine, which involves waking up several hours before work in order to get a head start on all of the day’s hatings. 

“Ooh did you see this shit,” said Adam Whitaker, over a morning cup of coffee. “Midnight Suns on the Switch got canceled. That’s so funny. What a piece of shit system. I always go to Nintendo Life first thing in the morning, to see what stupid shit they’re up to. It makes me so glad I don’t have a Switch, or anything Nintendo related at all, actually. I can’t even remember the last video game I got really into, if I’m being honest. Oh shit, I better head to Kotaku and see what garbage they wrote today.”

Friends of Whitaker’s aren’t sure why he wakes up two hours before work to catch up on things that don’t seem to interest him. 

“Every day I pick him up [for work], and he’s somehow got a half dozen things he has to go on about” said Cole Childs, a coworker of Whitaker’s. “Like bands I’ve never heard of making new albums and people on Twitter saying something about other people on Twitter. He’s all fired up, and I’m like, barely awake. I don’t understand it, but I really do admire his commitment to getting all worked up about weird shit.” 

“Sucks we gotta spend a half hour in the car together every morning,” he added.

As of press time, Whitaker had declined to meet up with coworkers over the weekend, as he insisted he had a lot to catch up on at home.