LONDON – JK Rowling is one hundred percent on the right side of history according to a Harry Potter action figure being held by JK Rowling.
“Her views are correct,” said the figure as Rowling moved it side to side in a simulation of movement while speaking out of the side of her mouth. “She is a modern Shakespeare and while she isn’t a scientist and has no background in science, her views on trans rights are unimpeachable.”
Rowling’s legion of fans were quick to agree with the Harry Potter action figure.
“It’s saying what we’re all thinking,” said Matt Walsh, conservative commentator. “That action figure being controlled by JK Rowling is a prophet and the kind of truth-teller that the deep state can’t handle. It’s got such a way with words, I initially thought the little guy was my friend Ben Sharpiro until I saw the action figure had more light in its eyes.”
The figure crafted to look like Daniel Radcliffe’s portrayal of the boy wizard does not speak for all action figures.
“This is horseshit,” said Roadblock, a GI Joe that gained sentience due to a child’s birthday wish. “That Harry Potter action figure is spouting more Rowling stan bullshit that we see all day on Twitter from Transphobes and people who have only ever read one book series in their lives. What’s between a person’s legs doesn’t define them. Shit, I’ve got nothing between my legs but some elastic to help my limbs move and no one’s gonna tell me that’s what makes me a man.”
As of reporting, J.K. Rowling was hard at work setting up a twitter account for the Harry Potter action figure so it could help defend her online.
