Professional wrestler and famed storyteller Hulk Hogan passed away today at 71, finally losing a lifelong battle with the truth.
Hogan was infamous for his colorful and often impossible storytelling. Throughout his legendary wrestling career, he claimed responsibility for inventing leg drops, the color yellow, and the United States of America, for which he was awarded the Snopes Lie-time Achievement Award. Hogan also once stated he was the inspiration behind Shakespeare’s Hamlet, despite being born centuries after its first production; this was never disproven, primarily because no one bothered checking.
During his later years, Hogan’s tales became even more eccentric. In one widely circulated story, he declared himself the inventor of pizza, a statement met with polite silence from the entire nation of Italy. He also insisted that he body-slammed Andre the Giant with such force that the shockwave ended the Cold War.
In recent years, Hogan claimed to have declined an offer to become Trump’s Secretary of Defense because it interfered with his beer promotional schedule, although he confidently asserted that had a “foolproof plan” to single-handedly end the Russian-Ukrainian war. Earlier this year, Hogan insisted he was James Gunn’s first choice to star in “Superman”, but graciously allowed David Corenswet to take the role.
Among Hogan’s harshest critics was outspoken wrestling historian Jim Cornette, who said upon hearing the news,
“I’d say rest in peace, but he’d probably tell everyone he invented resting, peace, and funerals. Hell, he’d probably claim he booked his own afterlife to go over God in a two-out-of-three falls match.”
Hogan’s survivors include numerous celebrities he frequently identified as close personal friends, all of whom politely declined to comment, presumably because they had never actually met him.
Instead of a traditional funeral, sources say Hogan had plans for a farewell pay-per-view titled “Heavenmania: The Final Brother,” complete with pyrotechnics, a fog machine, and an open challenge to the concept of mortality itself. Tickets are not on sale, but Hogan insisted it would be “the most watched event in celestial history, brother.”
