CORUSCANT, GALACTIC CORE — Wide-spread turmoil rocked the galaxy today, as an anonymous Bothan spy revealed he had been accidentally added to the Empire’s comm channel discussing the Death Star II.
“Well, this certainly makes my job easier,” said Yarsk Kri-tel. “Me and the boys had been planning this big infiltration mission that would see most of us get killed. It’s honestly kind of shocking how incompetent these fascists actually are.”
The leak was not discovered for several hours, with the blame eventually pinned on the Emperor’s Fist, Darth Vader. Perhaps more shockingly, Vader had also uploaded the Death Star II plans to the comm channel, apparently because he ‘wanted them while working remotely from Mustufar’.
“They [the plans] weren’t even encrypted,” Yarsk continued. “Took me all of five minutes to download them with this crappy bar HoloNet connection, alongside every message they’d posted.”
Alongside the leaked Death Star plans were messages from Admiral Piett complaining that they had to go and bail out Colonel Dyer and the Endor shield generator garrison, as well as demands for Grand Admiral Thrawn to come off “do not disturb”. The blunder has prompted calls for mass resignations.
“Vader was never fit for this position,” claimed a retired Clone Trooper, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean first off, you’ve got the anger management issues. Choking people who make the slightest mistake? This isn’t Tatooine. Don’t even get me started on his addiction to that ‘meditation chamber’ of his. His own wife didn’t even want him to get this job. Guess what happened to her?”
Galactic reporters attempted to question the Emperor during his visit to the Death Star II, but were mostly rebuffed.
“Rest assured that the Dark Council will be investigating this matter,” said the Emperor. “It is unacceptable that this breach occurred, and the Bothan scum who read the messages will be held solely responsible and punished for his actions.”
At press time, Grand Moff Tarkin claimed “No classified materials” were contained within the leaked plans.
