LOS ANGELES — On January 1, 2025 at 12:02am, the new year welcomed a brand-new baby girl, Jocelyn Marie Caan, who in just a short eighteen years will become Leonardo DiCaprio’s newest lover.
“I can already tell she’s going to be a keeper. Well, at least until she turns twenty-five,” said an ecstatic DiCaprio lounging in the hospital waiting room, smoking a cigar in celebration.
New mother, Marissa Caan, laying in her hospital bed holding the Oscar winner’s future plaything spoke to reporters about the exciting news.
“To hear the doctor tell us that our baby girl is a beautifully healthy baby. That she has all ten fingers and toes, AND that Leonardo DiCaprio thinks she’s going to be smoking hot! We were so relieved,” Caan said as she held a picture of DiCaprio in front of her newborn’s face. “We’re both so thankful she’s going to have a second, wealthier daddy to pay her college tuition. Now I can build a minibar instead,” added Arthur Caan, Jocelyn’s father.
But not every parent at the hospital was as happy about this news as the Caans.
“We were told that there was nothing this hospital could do to make our new baby attractive enough for Leo,” said George Resnik, new father to a baby that won’t get anywhere close to dating a famous person. “All the plastic surgeons are off for the holidays and by the time they get back it will be too late. Instead, we were told that we have to accept the fact that our sweet, baby girl may just have to settle for Jared Leto in the future. It’s just so devastating to hear.”
At press time, Mr. DiCaprio gave one last embrace to his future bae before heading to his current girlfriend’s 26th birthday party to break up with her.
