HOLLYWOOD – Following a string of delays and reshoots, the first trailer for the upcoming Borderlands film finally premiered this week at what Lionsgate executives assume is the height of the game’s goodwill and popularity, sources report.
“In this business, it’s important not to miss your window,” said Colleen Acaster, an executive producer on the film who is just getting around to trying Turtle Rock Studios’ asymmetrical multiplayer title Evolve. “Hollywood moves fast, but the gaming industry moves even faster. Look at The Last of Us on HBO. That’s a brilliant show that captured both fans of the game and newcomers alike. When did it release? Just a year after the second remake of the first game, and a year before the first remake of the second game. So, there was still all this hype. People were still talking. Laura Bailey was still in hiding. Now imagine if the show aired, say, five years from now. Sure, Laura would still be getting death threats, but no one else would be that invested. It’s so important to be on the pulse with these things.”
“There’s never been a better time to release a Borderlands movie,” continued Acaster. “Not two presidencies ago when we began development. Not three years ago when we wrapped filming. And certainly not when Borderlands 2 dropped in 2012 and there were so many people quoting Handsome Jack at you that the end of the world on December 21st would have been a mercy. No, the August 9th release date is the perfect culmination of a very normal, very sane ten-year production timeline.”
While initially skeptical, longtime fans of the Gearbox looter shooter series had to admit the movie adaptation had a lot going for it.
“At first, I expected it to be terrible,” said Hodge Jennings, a Borderlands fan who reportedly picked up the first game all the way back in the year of our Lord 2009. “But as soon as I got to reading about the different writers and cast members involved, my face just lit up. I mean, who better to write and direct a slapstick action-comedy with a strong female lead than splatter film auteur and practicing misogynist Eli Roth, a man so slimy you could find him by poking a stick into the deepest part of a pond in summer?”
“Cate Blanchett might be a little old for Lilith,” admitted Jennings. “But Kevin Hart? Now there’s an actor who gives 100% to every role he books. God, it’s exciting to have a cast that cares so deeply about the source material. I just hope the compulsory Handsome Jack mid-credits scene lives up to the hype.”
Gearbox Studios reportedly expressed hope that modern audiences would connect with the timeless humor seen in the original Borderlands and its sequels.
“You know most writers, they do jokes like ‘Setup, Setup, Punchline!” said a Gearbox representative. “Well, heh, the Borderlands games throw that formula out the gosh-damn window. How would I describe our humor? Oh, it’s a little something like ‘Punchline! Punchline! Joke a sixth-grader would make! Punchline! Wry observation! Butt Stallion! Punchline! Claptrap says the saddest thing you’ve ever heard. Dry remark! Butt Stallion! The word ‘midget’ 69 times! Punchline! Line punch! An honest-to-god Rick and Morty reference! Punchline!’”
“Get the picture?” continued the representative. “You know how most characters in a movie would walk coolly away from an explosion? Well, our character would do that, but then trip a little and almost fall on their face, before recovering like ‘Well, that just happened.’ Then they would turn around and their ass would be on fire. Sorry, I’m cracking up just thinking about it. So random, lol. The point is, this is the kind of irreverent, self-referential humor gamers and audiences deeply appreciate right now, today, in the year 2024. Like my partner, they yearn for characters who smirk at danger and absolutely never, ever shut the hell up.”
Following overall lukewarm response to the Borderlands trailer, Lionsgate announced at press time they had greenlit movie adaptations of indie hits Palworld and Lethal Company, two games with a long and sturdy shelf-life which fans can look forward to seeing when the films hit theaters in 2034.
