NEW YORK — Warner Bros. Discovery President and CEO David Zaslav announced a new partnership with Snapchat today that will see content from HBO Max removed exactly ten seconds after subscribers start watching.
“I think we’ve finally hit the idea jackpot!” explained an enthusiastic Zaslav. “We’ve been getting shit on a ton recently for canceling big projects and removing content like thieves in the night, so today I’m ecstatic to announce a new partnership with Snapchat that will give our valued customers a head’s up of an entire ten seconds before we remove their favorite shows permanently from our platform. We want to remind our viewers that content is fleeting — you shouldn’t try to hold onto your favorite movie or television show or job at HBO Max, because all that stuff eventually just goes away. Even if it’s specifically our fault and no one else’s.”
HBO Max subscriber Kelly Drysdale is reportedly happy that the streaming service that she has been paying for since it launched in 2020 is finally putting viewers first.
“Initially, I was upset when I heard they were shitcanning stuff I wanted to watch,” said Drysdale. “But then they must have heard everyone’s complaints and quickly made a deal with Snapchat to offer this amazing new service, which will give us the opportunity to watch the first scene of our favorite show, or at least ten seconds of it. I guess I’ll just read a recap of the episode on Reddit or Twitter or something? Wait, this actually sounds like a fucking horrible idea, is this some kind of joke? I must have been high when I first heard about it. I have a really bad drug problem.”
Netflix CEO Reed Hastings hounded us for an interview when he heard we were doing a story on a media company messing up that wasn’t his.
“Fuck yeah!” hollered Hastings, desperately trying to high-five the people around him. “We’ve been in the goddamn shitter all year after failing to meet financial targets and announcing a new ad-supported pay tier that nobody wants. Well that’s all forgotten for the time being thanks to the big brains over at Warner Bros. Discovery taking the heat off us with this steaming pile of an idea. You have my promise that Netflix will never offer such an insulting, offensive service to our loyal customer base. You know, what’s left of them.”
At press time, Zaslav was busy pitching another great plan to remove all media content entirely and just register as a CPA firm already.
