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Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People

SAN DIEGO — Fans of professional Smash Bros. player and alleged sexual predator ‘K1ra’ have reported widespread feelings of disbelief that someone so capable with Mario’s moveset could ever harm anyone. 

“I just can’t believe K1ra could ever do something like these people are saying,” said one superfan. “Just like I couldn’t believe when he three-stocked that Joker player back in 2019! It was nuts, dude. I almost consider him a friend.”

Allegations against K1ra were aggregated into a Reddit post detailing the accounts of various victims, many of whom were underage at the time. To refute their claims, K1ra fans posted footage of him restarting a match when his opponent’s controller malfunctioned. “Now that’s a role model for kids,” one commenter posited. 

“K1ra is a perfect gentleman when it comes to women,” said Smash Bros. commentator Con_Aire, who also spoke highly of the player’s character, describing an instance at one convention where he witnessed K1ra taking a girl back to his hotel room to privately show her how to play better. When asked to elaborate, Con_Aire refused to comment further and posted a YouTube video titled “K1ra Mario 4 Stocks HYPE Compilation”.

To step in front of the accusations being levied against him, K1ra has released a monetized response video titled ‘My Apology.’

“I want to thank my fans, who enable me to do all the things I’ve ever wanted to do and more,” K1ra said.  “And to Sarah, I am sorry that you feel as if I’ve wronged you. But your post says I met you when you were 15, even though you would have been 16 by the time of EVO 2017. Sounds like there are some holes in your story. To the others… I’ll uh, get back to you.”

Meanwhile, hundreds of fans have bought plane tickets in order to watch K1ra’s performance in the San Diego court system. Sources online confirm that he has hired a “god-tier” defense lawyer.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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