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Explosions? Loud Music? Overthrowing a Blood-Sucking Government? ‘Vampire Survivors’ Is the Ultimate July 4th Game

With the 4th of July fast approaching, you might be looking for the perfect ‘Murrica game to play during your long weekend. But what game could embody the true spirit of the United States? What could keep me interested at 3 a.m. while I’m buzzed off cheap beer and full of cheaper hotdogs? 

There’s a perfect answer this year: Vampire Survivors.

The hit indie game is a sort of mini Musou where you slay thousands of monsters using magic attacks. You don’t actually directly attack enemies though; instead, spells just kind of bust out of you as you walk around. It’s something like a reverse bullet hell game where you’re the boss spitting waves of projectiles at your enemies.

Personally, when I think of July 4th, the first thing that comes to mind are explosions — loud, elaborate fireworks displays that have become synonymous with the holiday. Oh, that and wiping out a blood sucking monarchy. 

Vampire Survivors creates a parallel here, letting you explode, maim, and otherwise evaporate as many of the enemy forces as possible, all the while slamming your eardrums with the pure bliss of a thumping soundtrack one can only describe as Dracula-core. 

“What about cool guns?” you ask. Believe me, Uncle Sam would be proud of the shit you can shoot in this game. I’m talking birds orbiting you while spewing more missiles than a M270 Multiple Launch Rocket System deployed in an oil-bearing country. Is there anything more American than flying murderous bibles? What about the fact that you can wield up to six weapons at once? Hand this game to any trucker at a Louisiana rest stop and their heart will swell with pride. 

As an American, I’m not really partial to reading, either. Sometimes I just want to relax and not have to worry about story beats or whatever “renegade” or “paragon” mean. Vampire Survivors has me covered here, as well, sporting exactly one paragraph of lore from the original itch.io page and that’s it. The only thing you need to worry about here is the fact that there’s some evil fucker who has taken over your country and you must fight for your independence (just do me a favor and try not to completely fuck things up once you gain your freedom, okay?).

Now please remove your hat and rise for the best part: this game is only $2.99. That’s right, you can purchase this video game and a Big Mac combo meal for less than $10. The game is currently in early access too, which means that like the Constitution, it’s always getting amendments. It feels like every time I go back to this game, there’s always an update or two — a new level, new secrets, new characters to play and new bangers to listen to. 

This game is poetry, and not that vague poetry about crossing bridges and seeing sunflowers. This kind of poetry is written with gunpowder, loud music, and enough dopamine rushes to make casinos jealous. It’s July 4 in a nutshell, making it the perfect game for players who want to celebrate America this weekend without having to go outside and talk to someone.

Wait … its developer Poncle is based in the UK? Well shit, take us back.