PITTSBURGH — A recent attempt at invigorating the intimacy of Dana Boyer’s relationship with an avid role-playing fanatic ended horribly after her husband Stephen Barker reportedly snuck a few of “those weird Dungeons & Dragons” dice into his turn while they were using a pair of novelty foreplay dice.
“Things started off fine,” said Boyer. “I went first and had to kiss his thigh. It was awkward and we laughed, but I could tell it got him kind of hot. Too bad it all went to shit right after that though, because on his turn he reached into this weird goblin bag and pulled out a big handful of dice and was referencing rules I’ve never heard of before.”
In addition to the two Loverz Dize brand novelty dice Boyer had handed him, Barker introduced a D20, several D8s, and a D4, as well as rolled out a battle grid map on the bed, along with several markers and tokens.
“He was supposed to nibble on my buttcheek, but told me to roll for initiative and I guess his was higher?” Boyer explained. “Then a dice [Sic] landed on a one, which he said meant he had ‘failed,’ and then he just threw himself off of the bed and landed right on his face. It was bad. Blood and teeth and just a huge mess. Once we got him all cleaned up I said we didn’t have to worry about the dice anymore, but he insisted that we finish the game and cracked open another 2 liter of soda. I probably should have seen this coming.”
Despite his injuries and his general misunderstanding of the intimacy exercise, the couple reportedly struggled with the expanded dice set well into the evening.
“Ooh, a critical! Buckle up, babe,” a neighbor claims to have overheard late last night. “I’m gonna suck your fucking ear off!”
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:
