TORONTO — Local cinephile Ryan Marks is proclaiming himself to be the next Roger Ebert after he received five likes on his Letterboxd review of the 1999 film The Mummy.
“I am a taste maker. My word is gospel in film circles now. When I watch a movie, people yearn to know my thoughts. Without my valuable input people wouldn’t know whether a movie is worth their valuable time. For years people have wondered who the next great film critic would be, the one who everyone goes to. Well it is I, the next Roger Ebert has arrived. I am now the foremost authority on the art of film and my words will be known,” wrote Marks on social media while bragging about how many likes his review got.
Marks’ friends and family have said he has become insufferable to be around since he acquired so many likes.
“He’s started to talk in a fake posh accent. Whenever someone brings up a movie he takes over the conversation saying he knows more than us,” said Gus, one of Marks’ few remaining friends. “If we disagree with hims he yells ‘Silence’ and then insults us. He even starts writing his Letterboxd reviews before the movie is even over. He’s really starting to piss us off. It doesn’t even make sense. Three of those likes were from us and the review itself wasn’t even his, Shawn said it but he doesn’t have a Letterboxd.”
According to those who work at Letterboxd, this sort of thing happens often.
“About once a month someone will get more than three likes on a review and have it go to their head,” said Holly Persaud, best known as one of the hands that holds the microphone as celebrities reveal their four favorites. “It usually lasts for a week or two but they come down to earth pretty quickly after none of their other reviews get any likes whatsoever. We estimate it’s happened to 99 percent of all Letterboxd users. Really every single user that doesn’t have a large following succumbs to this.”
At press time, Marks has started a Substack where readers can pay for his thoughts on film. It has zero subscribers.
This article is satirical. Hard Drive is a gaming/tech satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
