PLANO, Texas — Gamer Clarence Scott, 38, was shocked at how easily he was able to steal a copy of Mario Kart World from his local Target, despite the game’s premium price tag.
“It was in that locked glass case like all the other games,” said Scott, recounting the events as he excitedly paced around his living room. “But after I asked the kid who worked there to get it out for me, I said I was looking for a few more things. I thought he’d say he needed to hold it at the counter or something, but he just shrugged and walked away. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I must be some kind of master manipulator. Like, I must be subconsciously using that neuro-linguistic programming stuff I read about. It’s the only logical explanation. I need to capitalize on this.”
Richard Allen, 23, the clerk who retrieved the game from the locked display case, said that he knew exactly what Scott was doing.
“Oh, dude was totally lifting it,” said Allen, still standing behind the electronics counter at Target. “Doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t see any extra money for selling a game, no matter how much it costs. Guy wants to play Mario Kart, I don’t see why I should stop him from doing it. Hell, they even tell us not to pursue shoplifters in training. They do tell us to report it, but they got cameras for that. I’m not trying to take away work from a struggling security camera.”
Video game developer Victor Bottin, 33, condemned Scott’s actions.
“Triple-A video games are more expensive to make than ever,” said Bottin, who currently works at Electronic Arts and has previously been employed by Activision Blizzard and Riot Games. “More expensive than any media in history, and not by a little. Prices should have gone up a long time ago. Frankly, this is one of the cheapest hobbies out there, and gamers still complain about how much money they have to pay for countless hours of entertainment. People who steal games are literally taking money out of my pocket. They’re really hurting working developers, not just a faceless corporation. I mean, my team just shipped a game, and—hang on, I just got an email. Oh. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. I just got laid off again.”
At press time, Scott was reportedly inconsolable after a planned heist of GameStop went sideways when his entire score consisted of empty cases.
