SUNSET WILDS — Tensions are high after local authorities arrested a Shy-Guy demonstrator for wearing a mask at one of the hundreds of “No Koopa Kings” protests held throughout the Mushroom Kingdom on Saturday, sources confirm.
“You know, it’s pretty sad when your constituents don’t trust you enough to show you who they really are,” said SWPD Police Chief Pete Anta before pepper spraying a nearby protester and launching tear gas into the crowd. “When I put on this uniform and obscure my name and badge number from the public view, I do it in the hopes that the people of this great kingdom understand our need to deport hard-working immigrants as well as mouthy citizens if they believe in something I disagree with. And it’s not like I take any enjoyment out of tearing families apart—far from it. I’m just doing what I know will benefit the greater good; i.e., my career. Once I send enough innocents to the maximum-security prison on Isle Delfino, the Koopa Commando will have to consider me for a promotion to Mini Boss and not just some lackey that will be tossed aside once I’m through furthering his interests.”
A fellow anonymous protester expressed frustration for having to endure law enforcement presence at the rally which is being held on the same day as King Bowser’s notorious 45 million gold coin military parade.
“These fucking chucksters aren’t even trying to hide it anymore,” said the nameless Toad, tossing a banana peel into the path of police vehicles illegally hauling people away. “ The pigs are only here to protect the wealth of the ruling class, and they have no qualms with trampling on our constitutional rights to serve those needs. They can try to remove our masks to keep us in the shadows, but there’s no way our voices won’t be heard. And did you know that 40% of these bastards admit to throwing their wives through windows? Insane.”
King Bowser was asked his thoughts on the unlawful arrest and the “No Koopa Kings” protests.
“Ah yes, Sunset Wilds. A shame what happened to it when the illegal Cry-Guys invaded. Real shame,” said Bowser waving to imaginary crowds from the captain’s seat of his airship. “Would you look at them? Wow. There must be a trillion fans down there, maybe more. These are numbers unheard of, folks, believe me. We have this big, beautiful parade, and what do they have? Nothing. Nothing but a low-IQ gathering of nobodies in the land of don’t-know-don’t-care. Backed by the…GREAT… Cackling Cackletta—can you believe it? Cackling Cackletta…Wow.”
At press time, an officer at the Donut Plains protest was seen kneeling on the back of a black Yoshi who had stuck his tongue out at them just seconds before.
