LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department has created a YouTube channel devoted to cataloging all of the sick rubber bullet shots their officers landed on defenseless protesters, sources confirm.
“Okay, okay, just let me pop a few off indiscriminately into this crowd to clear my head, and I’ll try again,” said Officer Raymond Cole, narrating his thought process after missing a shot. “Okay. Got a few there. Good hits, good hits. I’m good, now. I’m gonna headshot that guy on the corner who’s not wearing any head protection. Boom! Nailed him! And he was only, like, twenty feet away! These less-lethal launchers were designed to shoot at targets no less than fifty meters, officially making this an elite LAPD trickshot.”
Some of the individuals featured on the YouTube channel have expressed their disapproval of the LAPD.
“Man, I wasn’t even protesting,” said Jane Stevenson, who said she suffered internal bleeding after her abdomen was struck with a rubber bullet. “I was just walking home from work. I would have taken the Metro, but it was shut down due to the curfew. There wasn’t really anything even going on in the area, just half a dozen people quietly holding signs. I told the officers I just needed to walk by to get to my apartment. They just stared at me for a minute, then one raised his neon yellow gun at me, spun around, and shot. He yelled, ‘360 no bounce!’ and they all started laughing.”
One fan of the videos tried to explain their appeal.
“I just want to say, I’m not a violent guy,” said Keith Fulmer. “I don’t even use rubber bullets. I don’t think I would like them. They’re not for me. But I find the videos so relaxing. I honestly can’t fall asleep anymore without putting on a five hour compilation of rubber bullet trickshots anymore. The sound of a heavy foam projectile smashing into the face of a clearly-identified journalist, potentially leaving them blind? That’s a lullaby to me. Don’t get me started on the cries from grievously injured elderly protestors. I’m not saying I think these things are good, per se, but watching videos of them soothes me. And hey, in today’s crazy world, isn’t that enough?”
At press time, the LAPD had been denied membership to FaZe Clan after it was proven that a video showcasing them following the rules of engagement had been faked.
