Am I someone who has a lot of shame? Does the Pope shit in the woods? The answer is, not unless he’s camping. Still, as for me no I am not someone with a lot of shame. But I do occasionally feel regret because something doesn’t go my way or I feel as if I’ve wasted my money. That’s why I felt it was a good use of my time to rank all of the plush toys I own by how much I regret their purchase.
5. Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth
I have no regrets over purchasing these two plushies. Phoenix and Edgeworth are wonderful foils for each other and the Ace Attorney series is something that every gamer should experience in their life. My only question is, who keep positioning Edgeworth in a compromising position behind Phoenix? It’s weird because I live alone so I don’t know how it happens, and I wouldn’t have guessed that Phoenix would be the bottom. Great plushies though.
4. Morty Smith
Here’s where I start to feel some regret. Not a lot, but some. Ricky and Morty I will maintain is a great show. It’s funny, acerbic, and well animated. You might think that my embarrassment stems from being associated with its toxic fanbase, however, that is not the case. I’m personally very toxic and I was definitely throwing a fit at McDonald’s when I didn’t get my goddamn Szechuan sauce I ordered. I enjoy being the problem. No, I just regret that it’s got a voice chip with Justin Roiland’s voice and it randomly screams during the night.
3. Richard Nixon
I originally thought it was kind of kitschy and cool to have a plushy of Richard Nixon. Except it’s a total boner killer any time I’m trying to pleasure myself and I see a long nosed dick staring me in the face grinning. And what if I did ever get a girl to come home with me? That plush certainly won’t be bringing any water to her gates if you know what I mean. Not a great purchase. Might need to get a Gerald Ford plushy to pardon me for this decision.
2. Pikachu
I’m not embarrassed to have a Pikachu plushy. I regretted buying it because I found a note stuffed inside from the imprisoned Uyghur person in China who made it crying for help. I mean I know there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism but this is especially unethical. Still, those slaves sure know how to make a high quality plush!
1. Kanye Graduation Bear
There’s many reasons to regret this purchase. I mean Kanye is a manipulative, narcissistic, sociopathic abuser who constantly spews antisemitic garbage, but it goes deeper than that. My biggest regret is that when I bought it in 2010 I put a cowboy hat on the plush and called it “Kanye Diddy” as a play on Conway Twitty and Diddy. Like I’m pretty sure I’m on a watchlist now just for owning this thing and honestly I think I deserve to be.
