IOWA CITY, Iowa — What was supposed to be a fun night of magicka and love making ended in disaster when a local Final Fantasy themed orgy was attended exclusively by Cid cosplayers. Thomas Figg, horny party host and the only person not dressed as some version of Cid, shared his disappointment with local news stations.
“I thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Final Fantasy fans,” Figg said, wearing his Neo Bahamut cosplay. “I thought I’d meet a cute Yuna cosplayer or a Tifa. Hell I’d even be down to bone a Chocobo. But no, everyone here decided to dress as Cid. Some Pollendina, a few Kramers, but mostly Highwinds. I swear if anyone else tells me to sit my ass down and drink some tea, I’m going to Giga Flare all over them, and I don’t mean in a sexual way.”
While continuing to lament to members of the media on his lawn, additional Cid’s passed Figg, finding their way to the party. Every new Cid through the door like a knife to the heart of the host who thought he was in for a night to remember.
“I made every dish from Final Fantasy XV. There’s materia shaped gummies. The playlist is a loop of boss fight themes across the series,” Figg said as another Cid entered his home with the faint notes of One-Winged Angel echoing out to the lawn, along with an orchestra of moans. “Just listen to them all having the time of their life in there. That should be me. Serving a Yuna as one of her Aeons. Why, why, why is everyone in there a Cid? I just don’t get it.”
Figg’s sobbing came to an end as two party guests strolled through the yard, dressed as Cait Sith.
“No, absolutely not. You saw the theme and thought someone would want to fuck that traitorous cat,” Figg said blocking the door. “I’d rather have sex with a Red XIII cosplayers, a Seymour cosplayer, hell I’d have sex with every Cid cosplayer in existence before I ever considered fucking a Cait Sith. You get the fuck away from my home and out of this state. You hear me? You fucking disgust me.”
At press time Figg had given up on his pity party and decided to flirt with a Cid making tea in the kitchen.
