WASHINGTON — One time celebrated national hero and babe-save, Duke Nukem was recently appointed to the Pentagon by President Donald Trump. Unfortunately, according to sources, Duke is finding his new job dull and unfulfilling.
“All I do is chew bubblegum, really. That’s all I do. There’s nothing. No explosions, no babes, no extraterrestrials. It’s all a big hoax. I’m just sitting here until I eventually point the Devastator at myself. If it even shoots anymore. This sucks. My face, my ass… what’s the difference?” says Duke.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth sees things differently.
“We hired Duke for his extensive curriculum vitae and his übermensch abilities to work under stress. We’re sad Duke thinks there’s no work to do when there clearly is. We’re going to send Duke to Moscow so we can expand our empire there. Make Russia great again!”
Office cleaner Jacob McStoney, who’s been cleaning offices at the Pentagon for over 20 years, is baffled, to say the least.
“Okay dude, after Trump became president, this place turned into a circus, man. We’ve got all these weird clowns coming in and out, making a mess and Duke is the saddest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. The man just sits at his desk and chews bubblegum all day. He’s got the thousand-yard stare. The spark is gone. I wish this nightmare would end soon. This job used to rule. Now I spend most of my day scraping Duke’s chewed gum off the office floor. I’m behind schedule and probably gonna get fired soon. Thanks a lot, Trump.”
At press time, Duke’s desk was empty, with only a single Post-it note left behind. It read, “Eat shit and die.”
