SILENT HILL — Notorious ghost town Silent Hill contained a fully operational location of popular burger chain restaurant Red Robin, puzzled sources report.
“People tend to be surprised when they come across our establishment,” manager Todd Morgan said. “But I’ll tell you what’s not surprising: the consistent quality and competitive prices they get the second they walk in. This is a place that offers not just a great meal, but a complete experience that goes far beyond thick, juicy burgers and delicious fries. There’s a reason we’ve always got a full house here, and it’s not just because the Happy Burger closed after its owner was devoured by a Lying Figure.”
Silent Hill visitor James Sunderland was not expecting to see an active Red Robin in his journey through the town.
“Yeah, I really didn’t think I’d come upon a Red Robin,” Sunderland admitted. “I’ve got to admit, though, that I was happy that I did. It’s hungry work being plagued by living manifestations of my own guilt as I’m searching for my deceased wife, and it felt really good to relax and order a Jalapeño Heatwave Burger and a Mango Passion Lemonade. I’ve been feeling pretty down ever since this lady Maria I just met was killed by a jacked monster with a huge knife, so this is just the boost I need before I go back out there and get tortured by my own demons again.”
Economist Ernesto Wiggum weighed in on the situation.
“This is the least surprising thing I’ve heard all day,” Wiggum offered. “American corporations are the most craven institutions on the planet, so of course they’re not above opening locations in gutted communities from horror games. Have you not seen the Subway in Raccoon City? Or the Dollar General in the Boston QZ in The Last of Us? Horrifying towns where we’re haunted by bloodthirsty monsters used to at least be a reprieve from the capitalistic hell we all occupy, but unfortunately that’s no longer the case.”
At press time, Red Robin was offering endless fries to all Bubble Head Nurses to thank them for their service.
