WASHINGTON — US Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announced a ban on all Mountain Dew flavors, except for Baja Blast earlier this week, as part of his ongoing war on sugar. His latest ban came during a heated news conference where Kennedy disparaged the soft drink’s variety of flavors.
“You want to put something called ‘Code Red’ in your body, yet, I’m the crazy one,” Kennedy said to members of the press as they gulped down what remained of their newly banned favorite flavors. “It’s disgusting. It’s making kids fat, ugly, and stupid. If you want to drink Mountain Dew, it has to be Baja Blast. It’s the natural color of the ocean and I should know, cause I’m often swimming through it hunting for seals.”
Kennedy’s ban effectively removes all versions of original Moutain Dew, Code Red, Livewire, Voltage, and Diet Dew from store shelves and soda fountains around the nation. Recipes for discontinued flavors such as Pitch Black and Voo-Doo are to be destroyed and any flavor scientists with memory of those recipes are to be shot in the head, twice. Bottled Baja Blasts are also unauthorized with the ban, though Kennedy noted an intentional loophole.
“Consumption of Baja Blast must be done from a Taco Bell fountain,” Kennedy said before crunching into a Dorito Locos Taco and washing it down with an ice-cold Baja Blast. “I’ve been drinking raw Baja Blast since 2004. There’s no better combo than horse meat and a Baja Blast straight from the source.”
Scientists well versed in Mountain Dew and its effectiveness in culling dense populations of gamers are now worried the ban may lead to overpopulation.
“Putting it mildly, this is the most humane way for us to control gamer populations,” said Randi Heaton, a scientist who’s worked with the FDA numerous times to cull the invasive species. “No Gamer Fuel means no diabetes, which means longer life spans for your average gamer. Without any population control, message boards and Twitter won’t be able to handle the influx of new gamers. We’re heading for the end as far as I’m concerned.”
At press time, remaining Mountain Dew supplies had plunged after gamers flooded stores to stock up on their favorite flavors, driving the cost of a 2-liter bottle to almost as much as a half-dozen eggs.
