The second American Revolution has been incited by none other than Warner Bros’ Pictures Minecraft movie. Somehow, in some way, a capitalistic corporate cash grab has inspired an uprising of the proletariat against the ruling class. Scores of theatergoers across the country have violently overwhelmed police blockades, SWAT teams, and entire precincts, prompting the federal government to enact martial law and mobilize the National Guard on U.S. soil.
“People are saying flint and steel, flint and steel. I’m all for more flint and steel being mined here, but these radical Marxist Minecrafters want to ramp it up to flintlock and gunpowder,” President Trump remarked in a White House press conference. “They probably worship Jack Black, Jack Hack’s what I call him, because he’s got a big bushy beard like Karl’s. We can’t let this get too carried away, folks! Otherwise, I’ll have to impose a 1025% tariff on box offices. We love figures ending in odd numbers, they have a more threatening ring to them, don’t they?”
However, the efforts to clamp down on the anarchic reactions and responses to A Minecraft Movie have ultimately proven to be futile. Working class theater patrons across America have coalesced to form ruptures in the country’s balance of power, with nothing left to lose but their popcorn buckets. As pixelated chickens have overtaken Luigi hats as the predominant video game-themed symbol of revolt, one figure has emerged as the voice of the rebellion, Gen Alpha’s very own Spartacus, a 12-year-old iPad kid named Steve.
“We have the numbers to flip over every 5-0’s cruiser, we have the numbers to flip every GI’s Humvee, to topple every tank in every platoon!” Steve declared in a rousing speech outside Hollywood’s famous TCL Theatre. “We have the numbers to quash one of the world’s largest standing armies, to crush the elites under the weight of their fat pockets, and wield their own tools against them. To destroy this Goliathan giant like the Chicken Jockey destroyed Jason Momoa in the ring. We have the numbers to seize the means of production from Notch, and we all deserve a piece of that neckbeard’s pie!”
It’s believed that millions have taken to the streets so far, amassing in unison to proclaim that they are Steve. Upon being asked to comment on the nationwide movement inspired by the movie inspired by his video game, Markus “Notch” Persson’s reaction was one of confusion.
“I’ve been too busy being alone in my estate and shopping for new fedoras to keep up with the news. News that isn’t filtered and spun through the QAnon accounts I follow, that is. I outbid Jay Z and Beyonce for this mansion, but it still hasn’t bought me any fulfillment!”
At press time, the casualties on both sides of this ongoing conflict are unknown.
