LOS ANGELES — Geoff Keighley, head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest, is willing to leave it all behind and take up the mantle of the papacy should he be called to serve.
Keighley, AKA “The Dorito Pope”, has said he sees taking up the zucchetto as the next logical step in his career.
“I see it as a lateral move,” Keighley explained in a post on The Game Awards website. “Just like the Catholic Church, I have to look the other way to justify most of the actions I take now as the head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest. It’s part of the gig. Becoming successful is learning that it doesn’t matter where the money is coming from or what was done to earn it, all that matters is the money never stops coming in, and I’ve gotten pretty good at that part of it. Basically what I’m saying is I will do anything as long as the check clears. The only reason I haven’t killed someone yet is because no gaming CEO has asked.”
A spokesperson for the Vatican called the statement of interest from the so-called “Dorito Pope” ludicrous.
“Is Mr. Keighley even a practicing Catholic?,” The spokesperson asked. “Indeed, he seems eager to endorse many things: new gaming products, exciting offers that are only good for a limited time, and exclusive promo codes. But our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does not seem to rank among them. The Church must concede that Mr. Keighley is an excellent mouthpiece for multibillion dollar organizations who prefer you look the other way when they commit various atrocities and cause undue harm to people with no means of defending themselves. And for that we must commend him.”
Keighley concluded in his post about seeking the papacy that if the Catholic Church wants to stay relevant they will consider his offer.
“Look, am I utterly devoid of charisma? Yes. Do most people find me irritating and a bit of a shill? Absolutely. But I’m not a bad guy,” Keighley wrote. “Just imagine how cool it’ll be when my personal friend Hideo Kojima walks out on stage in St. Peter’s Basilica, and then tell me putting the Keighmeister in charge is a bad idea. I don’t think so, buddy.”
At press time, Geoff Keighley was seen walking up to strangers on the street to ask if they knew he was friends with Hideo Kojima.
