You’ve been getting pretty smug with our articles, haven’t you? Reading them at whim without a care in the world, complacent in the assumed knowledge that clicking on one can’t possibly backfire in any way. Well, that ends now. The days of worry-free scrolling through this site are officially over, pal. Time to pay the piper.
As such, here is a list of endings to 10 different games, and if you don’t like it, tough. There’s nothing you can do about it, so sit back and cross your little fingers that we don’t spoil one you haven’t played yet. Maybe you’ll get lucky, but then again, maybe you won’t. There’s only one way to find out.
Jet Grind Radio (2000. Dreamcast)
You might remember this cute and catchy little cel-shaded romp from the early 2000s, but did you know that the “Devil’s Contract,” the mysterious vinyl said to possess the ability to raise a demon, is actually just an old record with no supernatural capabilities? Did you also know that Goji, the demented CEO you face in the final battle, is just crazy and never actually posed a real Stygian threat to the people of Tokyo-to? Well, you do now! Could’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble with those sick inline-skating tricks and works of street art. Honestly, if we just spoiled it for you, good. We did you a favor. You’re welcome.
Inside (2016. Various Platforms)
This mysterious platformer ends with the anonymous child protagonist coming across, and conjoining himself to, the Huddle, which is a seething mass of groaning human bodies. After a destructive tear through a scientific facility which kills numerous people, the Huddle escapes the confines of its prior captivity and comes to rest on a grassy hillside. While the meaning of this ending is cryptic and open to interpretation, one thing is crystal clear: we’re going to keep on spoiling games in this article, and your chances of stopping us are at absolute zero. Shall we continue?
Beethoven: The Ultimate Canine Caper (1993. SNES)
The premise of this game is pretty cut and dry: Beethoven and Missy have four puppies that have gone missing, and your job as Beethoven is to find the puppies and bring them back to Missy. And guess what happens: all parties involved enjoy a happy ending as the four puppies are returned to their mother, with an accompanying screen reading “Hooray! You saved the puppies.” The self-pity you’re likely experiencing as the result of having this game spoiled contrasts sharply with the joy of these adorable St. Bernards, but here’s some breaking news: that’s life. We’re sick of coddling our readers. On to the next one.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (2006. Wii)
Let’s cut right to the chase here: Link kills Ganondorf with the Master Sword and Midna returns to her home in the Twilight World. How do you like that? God, the impotent rage coursing through your veins must be building with each new ending we spoil for you. While it’s true that we’re doing this as a way of putting our collective foot down, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t deriving some amount of sick pleasure from it. We’d increase the article to 20 games had we not already cleared this with our editors. Consider yourself fortunate.
NFL Fever 2003 (2002. Xbox)
If you’re expecting an endless stream of adulation coated in confetti and champagne after winning the Super Bowl, think again. Your season’s worth of exhausting effort will be met with an announcement of the game ball winner and a highlight reel brought to you by Pepsi. That’s it, bud. Thanks for competing. This may be a spoiled ending, but it’s the one you deserve. You’re not entitled to post-Super Bowl victory fanfare any more than you’re entitled to spoiler-free games journalism, and how dare you think otherwise.
Elden Ring (2022. Various Platforms)
Oh, what’s the matter, you didn’t want to know that the Tarnished claim the Elden Lord title and usher in one of several new ages depending on the alliance chosen by the player? Well, we didn’t want to know that our readers were a bunch of whiny crybabies, so it seems like nobody’s happy here. Guess we’ll just trudge along and keep spoiling these video games for you.
Super Mario Bros. 2 (1988. NES)
Mario defeats the evil frog Wart in the land of Subcon, then wakes up and isn’t sure whether the entire game had been a dream. He then goes back to sleep, which is what we’re sure you’d love to do right about now, but too bad. You’re in this one for the long haul, buttercup, and you’re not heading off to the Land of Nod until three more games have been spoiled for you, so buckle up and get yourself good and ready for the next one.
Duke Nukem 64 (1997. Nintendo 64)
Duke battles and defeats the Cycloid Emperor, which is the leader of the alien race that menaces the dystopian Los Angeles setting throughout the game, after which he retires to bed with a total babe, in true Duke Nukem fashion. We know his character is pretty problematic and oftentimes downright stupid, but there may be something worth emulating in his frank and unforgiving attitude. We were starting to feel sorry for you having all these endings spoiled, but that’s all changed now. Time for us to hunker down and put you through your paces for these last two.
Green Day: Rock Band (2010. Various Platforms)
Completing the career mode in this game is rewarded with a live video of Green Day wishing goodbye to their fans at one of their concerts before playing the song “She”. You know what? We started spoiling these games under the vague pretenses of this being some sort of haughty new stance we were taking, but to be completely honest, we’re doing it simply because we can. The ability to do something like this has completely gone to our heads, and if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to start your own website. It’ll only be a matter of time before you do the same thing yourself. We all know absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Phantasy Star IV: The End of the Millennium (1993. Sega Genesis)
If you were worried whether Chaz and his friends would be able to enter the dimension of the Profound Darkness and destroy it before it can effectively destroy the entire galaxy, rest assured! They take care of the threat without issue! We bet you’re wishing you could do the same thing and eliminate a certain pesky source of video game news from your life, but you can’t. We’re here to stay, and who knows? Maybe we’ll make this a weekly column just to make you suffer. Looks like you’ll have to wait and see.
