NEW YORK — In a shocking development, after hundreds of years spent haunting individuals into good behavior the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future have debuted a radical new strategy; murder.
“We just finally decided that enough is enough and it’s time for a change,” said the Ghost of Christmas Present. “As we were gearing up for this year’s round of hauntings we realized that we have more people than ever before to haunt. We’ve been doing this for hundreds of years and the world has actually gotten worse. So we decided that it’s better to just kill these people.”
The first victim of the Ghosts new strategy was UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson whom the Ghosts shot and killed outside his hotel.
“We’ve dealt with this kind of guy before,” said the Ghost of Christmas Present. “He’s a rich guy who runs a company in a manner that lines his pockets while ruining lives. The company denies more claims than any other health insurance company which is saying a lot. This kind of guy usually requires a longer haunt than normal but they never change and even when they do it never lasts. So we weighed our options and figured, let’s just kill him so we possessed a guy and popped him”
While this new method of dealing with the cold hearted, greedy enemies of decency may seem extreme the Ghosts insist it’s necessary.
“What we’ve been doing may have worked in the 1800s but in the modern age it just doesn’t and we had to adapt,” said the Ghost of Christmas Future. “Our job is to make the world a better place and it’s become quite clear to us that haunting these terrible people to show them the negative effect they’re having on others and how it will end in an unfulfilled lonely life devoid of love just wasn’t working. But our job is to get rid of these deplorable people, now we’re just getting rid of them for good. If we can’t get them to make the world better then we’ll make it better by their absence. The CEO of an American Health Insurance company was an easy first target. But believe me, there will be a lot more killings in the future and I should know.”
At press time, polls indicate that in light of the new strategy the Ghosts popularity is the highest it’s been since they haunted Ebenezer Scrooge.
