HYRULE CASTLE — Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, the recently deposed King of Hyrule, expressed his desire for the usurper Ganondorf to usher the kingdom into an age of prosperity while promising to offer no resistance to the incoming ruler’s ascent to power.
“First of all, I’d like to wish Ganondorf congratulations on conquering the kingdom and overthrowing me,” said King Daphnes. “We’re looking forward to a smooth transition. Regardless of the times that I called him the King of Thieves, said he had the morals of an alley-remlit, or claimed that he would plunge our land into eternal darkness should he take the throne, I think he means well and hope that he will do a good job as our head of state.”
Sage of Earth and vocal Daphnes supporter Laruto expressed her disapproval of Ganondorf.
“We may have lost the battle, but we will not lose the war,” said the Zora sage, despite previously writing that the ascendency of Ganondorf would mean, “the end of Hyrule as we know it.” “We just have to keep fighting. They don’t realize how strong we are when we work together. Please, consider donating a few rupees to my new PAC, Tri-RESIST. I promise to keep a vigilant watch over our kingdom until a hero arises.”
Sturgeon, a scholar and political analyst from Outset Mountain, listed the reasons that he thought Ganondorf’s efforts proved successful.
“Daphnes focused too much on cultural issues, like protecting the rights of Zora who are covered and feathers and prefer flying to swimming,” said Sturgeon. “Also, no one bought into that climate change hoax he kept talking about. Obviously, the sea isn’t going to suddenly rise. On the other hand, Ganondorf focused on pocketbook issues that matter deeply to Hylians, like the price of Hyoi Pears and the internment of girls with pointed ears. His message really struck a chord with the median Bokoblin voter, who felt abandoned by the Royal Family.”
At press time, Ganondorf had ordered the immediate execution of King Daphnes and all of Hyrule’s sages.
