MILWAUKEE — A local witch considers herself fortunate that a magic spell was conveniently in conversational English when her 11-year-old son suffered what could have been a serious injury this past weekend.
“I was liking my friends’ Facebook posts when I heard a scream from the backyard,” explained Zaleria Bloodgood. “I ran out and saw my Edgar splayed out on the ground next to the trampoline, his left leg bent in the most unnatural of ways. It was one of the most gruesome things I have seen in my 325 years on this earth, but lucky for all of us, my healing spell was as simple as, ‘Heal this boy’s leg!’”
Bloodgood’s husband Seth said that he counts his blessings every day that his wife doesn’t need to know anything except how to speak like a regular person to cast her spells.
“I honestly can’t believe how lucky we are. Imagine if my wife needed a single drop of blood from a rare animal and then had to solve a riddle before even thinking about healing our son,” Seth said. “Just a couple weeks ago, we hosted book club, and when we served her coven our famous baked brie and gluten-free sesame crackers, they were trying to commune with the dead author by singing a song. I mean, it had multiple verses, repeat choruses – they had to harmonize and shit. Two of them even sang in a round. What a pain in the ass.”
Ms. Bloodgood’s neighbor, Druid Kestrel Grove, witnessed Edgar’s injury, but the boy had already been healed by the time she arrived to help.
“Look, I can mend a few goddamn bones, it’s pretty basic stuff,” explained the Druid. “But I have to commune with the trees and the sun above, gather specific flora, and then, even after all that, I still have to remember and repeat several lines of Latin. Poor Madame Darkmore down the road would have to come up with a rhyming poem on the spot. I was ready to help, but Zaleria can just talk her magic like I’m talking to you. It’s so much faster and, frankly, foolproof. I mean, if she had seen Edgar fall, she would have just said something like, ‘Float and land gently,’ easy as that.”
At press time, Zaleria Bloodgood’s seven-year-old daughter Tabitha was trying to be like mommy, telling Alexa to play “Butter” by BTS.
