RIVERSIDE, Calif. — The Israeli Defense Forces announced a new training regime involving studying techniques used by Sims streamer Erin Davies, who is known to her audience as “Simsinatti.”
“We’re always on the lookout for new methods to violate human rights,” said IDF spokesperson Aksel “Bodybags” Weizman. “Simsinatti has real talent. Not just for killing Sims. She’s got a real knack for drawing out their suffering. Keeping their needs on the very precipice of life and a visit from the Grim Reaper. It’d bring a tear to my eye if I were capable of feeling anything.”
This is the first in what the IDF hopes will be several courses studying gamers and their methods of violence.
“I got the invitation after my last sub-a-thon,” explained Davies. “I was seeing how long I could keep an entire family of Sims alive with one pizza, a single chair, and a TV blaring constant music. Managed to keep them going for six in-game days straight. The IDF said they were jealous of my record.”
“I’ve gotta admit, I was on the fence about giving this talk,” continued Davies. “However, considering my mom works at the nearby hospital and still carries a pager around, I figured the safest thing for everyone was for me to agree to this.”
The IDF’s proposed plan has been met with a significant amount of criticism, notably from several virtual life groups.
“This is just the latest stop on this torture train,” announced Wright to Life, an organization dedicated to promoting Sim rights. “It’s bad enough that Sims have been starved, electrocuted, immolated, and drowned by casual gamers. We don’t need sweaty tryhards getting involved.”
At press time, the IDF announced unexpected difficulties with the plan, explaining that they were used to victims who didn’t fight back.
