SAN DIEGO — Bob Iger, chief executive officer of The Walt Disney Company, spoke about the global media corporation’s future content strategy during a recent shareholder meeting and confirmed that they are done ruining childhoods with live action remakes. The company will now begin ruining people’s adolescence.
“The era of remaking our iconic 1990s movies is over. We are done ruining childhoods, it’s time to move on to ruining the next phase of everyone’s lives, their adolescence. The 2000s was a decade of experimentation and exploration with an abundance of theatrical releases and Disney Channel Original Movies yearning to be trashed. We’re currently filming a live-action remake of Atlantis starring Ashton Kutcher as Milo, and casting has begun for High School Musical 4: Active Shooter Drill.”
The Disney executive also addressed controversies surrounding recent underperforming Disney productions.
“We walk a tightrope when pandering to modern audiences, it’s difficult to create inauthentic minority representation that pisses off progressives but is still colorful enough to get boycotted by conservatives, too. There’s an art to pulling something nobody wants from the ashes of something everyone loved.” he said proudly before revealing plans for a new Pixar film, Finding Nemo in a Transgender Clinic.
Iger addressed questions from shareholders regarding the company’s numerous acquisitions.
“We’ve already wrung every drop of interest out of Star Wars nerds, now we’ll use what we learned to ruin Marvel, Pixar, and apparently we own the Muppets so we’ll ruin them too. Luckily, Fox has already destroyed several of its longstanding properties. There’s nothing we could do to The Simpsons’ reputation which The Simpsons hasn’t already done.”
Responding to the collective sigh of relief in the room, he continued.
“However, other Fox series have a lot of work left to undo. We retconned all sixteen seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for a new Disney+ family-friendly sitcom about the married suburbanite life of Charlie and The Waitress, played by Jeremy Renner and Raven-Symoné. We immediately greenlit the series after a test screener called the pilot ‘the most tragic thing he’d seen on television since 9/11’ — precisely the era we’re looking to bring down.”
At press time, Disney posted a teaser to Facebook for Indiana Jones and the First Crusade, an origin story starring deepfakes of Sean Connery and Harrison Ford.
