ORLANDO, Fla. — Calls for debugging the latest and most popular first person shooter have been made in the wake of claims that I was literally aiming directly at that guy.
“We take every report seriously. It’s entirely possible that the game experiences intermittent glitches that could affect accuracy, but certainly not in the volume this complaint is claiming” responded dipshit technical support engineer Caroline Buckwater. “We often get requests to look into problems like these, and they nearly always trace back to what we would call a skill issue.”
Despite the hearsay of incompetent game developers, several other sources have corroborated that I completely had him in my sights and that should have been a kill.
“Yeah I guess it could have been lag or some funky hitbox problem, he seems pretty fired up about it” reported local gamer and decent teammate Colin Preston. “I was playing with him that night and he kept talking about how he was going to clinch the win for us, then all of the sudden I heard a bunch of cursing and saw that he died. He had been pretty on point all night, but he doesn’t usually admit when he’s the one who loses us a game.”
Even with witness accounts piling up, some people still don’t seem to have a strong opinion either way on the matter of how unbelievable it is that I didn’t hit that guy.
“I don’t even know what game he’s playing, I just wish he would get out of the house a little more” explained chicken nugget supplier and aging mother Luanne FitzPatrick. “He spends so much time in the basement screaming about god-knows-what, I worry he’s never going to meet a nice girl and move out of here.”
At press time, in light of mounting controversy over this incident, I will be playing Stardew Valley tonight.
