KANTO — After local law enforcement discovered a decapitated Snorlax corpse just off Route 12, a conveniently vacationing Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told our sources he has no idea what happened.
“I’m sure the fake news media is going to have a field day with this, but I promise you I had nothing to do with that gruesome crime scene,” said the former presidential candidate, suspiciously covered in blood. “Sure, it sounds like something I would’ve done 20 years ago, but I’m a changed man, and no longer obey the parasitic worms inside my head.”
Kennedy and his wife, Cheryl Hines, told reporters they were only in the Kanto Region for a relaxing fishing trip after an exhausting attempt at the most powerful position in American politics.
“Robert and I love it here,” said the former “Curb Your Enthusiasm” star. “He reels in Magikarp off the docks and I film self-tape auditions back in our hotel room. Work has been hard to come by lately, for some reason.”
The Snorlax, who was beloved by local trainers, was often seen taking naps and blocking the path forward. Pokemon conservationists have advised against waking the sleeping giant and instead suggest taking an alternate route. However, unaware tourists and political dynasty nepo babies may not be aware of this endangered species protocol.
Kennedy’s relationship with dead animals has gone from bad to worse in the past few weeks after an unearthed interview with Kick Kennedy, his daughter, revealed her father chainsawed the head off of a deceased beached whale in Massachusetts, tied it to the roof of their family car, and drove it to their New York home back in 1994.
“Mr. Kennedy’s past history does indicate potential involvement in this case,” Officer Jenny told reporters outside the scene of the crime. “But we won’t know the full truth until he blabs about it on some right-wing podcast 10 years from now.”
At press time, the missing Snorlax head has resurfaced in the middle of Cycling Road.
