NEW YORK — In a landmark move, after much deliberation the UN has officially declared that fandom of any kind is a cult.
UN Ambassador Frederic Bringewatt announced the decision in a press conference held just outside UN Headquarters.
“It is our duty to work together on bringing peace and prosperity to the world at large and part of that duty is determining threats to that peace. Originally this was going to be solely for the Star Wars fandom but upon closer examination, it’s practically every fandom. The way that the members behave, the way they attack those that don’t hold the same beliefs as them, the radicalized devotion they have to the material, our only options were to classify them as religion or cult. We felt cult was more appropriate for their vibe.”
Members of fandoms were not too pleased with the new classification.
“This is just another instance of us being persecuted. We are not a cult, we’re just super passionate about our favorite series and will do anything to defend it and keep it pure,” said Alan Burns, head of the Boise chapter of the Star Wars fandom. “Sure sometimes we harass people who aren’t into Star Wars and maybe we attack members who don’t adhere to the series the way we demand they do but that doesn’t make us a cult. This is our series and we must protect it from heretical nonsense like The Acolyte. We just have absolute one hundred percent devotion to the warped ideals of Star Wars that we’ve cultivated.”
“Oh so just because I just like to praise the sun and attack people who dare to mildly criticize the thing that I’ve tied my entire identity to I’m in a cult? Give me a break,” claimed Chris Topher, a devoted member of the Souls fandom.
Bringewatt stated that there are some exceptions to the new classification.
“While we’ve determined most fandoms are cults, there are some exceptions both good and bad. The Kirby fandom we found to just be totally normal and chill, same for the James Cameron’s Avatar fandom. These are examples of fandoms that do not meet the criteria of cult. On the other hand there are fandoms such as Swifites that we’ve found go beyond a mere cult and so we’ve classified them as radicalized militia instead.”
At press time, Swifties have doxxed Bringewatt and declared the UN to be enemy number one and begun mobilizing to attack.
