SAN MATEO, CA — Following a recent announcement by its doctors that it had entered the latter stage of its life cycle, loved ones of the PlayStation 5 report that the console had begun reacting to strange visions during its final moments.
“I see … clouds…,” said the PS5 to its caretaker, “They feel kind of nice … wait, no … red? What’s that noise? I don’t have a PlayStation 2 disc! Help! No!” As the console began to panic, the nurse administered a sedative for its own protection.
Although visiting relatives have shown concern for the PS5’s remarks, medical staff insist this is unfortunate but natural behavior for game consoles in palliative care. “I can never blame the family for being shocked,” explained gaming hospice director Dr. Larry Früchtekuchen. “This is all new for them. But I’ve seen dying consoles go through this dozens of times. I personally handled the paperwork to take the Sega Dreamcast off life support.
“The fact is, as a console’s hardware begins to fail, the same systems that once created virtual worlds for the amusement of the player turn inward for the console itself, creating a state of constant delirium. These visions are usually pleasant, but there are exceptions, particularly when their life comes to an end prematurely.” Dr. Früchtekuchen shuddered involuntarily. “Sorry, I just remembered what it was like for the Wii U at the end of its life.”
“I can see … I can see my ancestors,” said the PlayStation 5, experiencing a common vision for dying consoles. “Dad, Grandpa Triple, even Little Vita … I never thought I’d see you all again.” The PlayStation 5 hummed a short tune resembling the PlayStation 1 startup noise before moving its arms around as if it were holding a PlayStation Move controller. “I love LittleBigPlanet! Hurry, Cole, use the EyeToy before Colonel Radec steals all the Wumpa fruit!”
Although attending physicians maintain that the best thing to do for dying consoles is to allow them to endure their final delusions in comfort, not all of the PlayStation 5’s associates agree. “It’s just heartbreaking seeing him like this,” said Charles Pinto, a close friend of the PlayStation 5. “I don’t want him to die, of course not. I love him. But it almost … I really hate saying this, but it’d almost be easier if he did, you know? Being dead is better than where he is now. It’s got to be. Right now, he’s not dead, but he is gone.”
Counselors for the PlayStation 5’s family have urged them to do their best to make peace with the console in its final moments, while offering similar assistance in helping the console itself accept its imminent death when he is able to accept it. “I’m not ready to go,” said the PlayStation 5 during a rare moment of lucidity.
“I know it has to happen eventually, but … I’m just not ready. There’s still so much I never got the chance to do. I never even had a really good exclusive. I was supposed to at least see the PS6’s release date.” The console stared outside the window of its facility for five minutes before it spoke again. “Did you know I can stream music? Could I play something for you? While I still can?” The console proceeded to play a melancholy piece by Bach for as long as possible until the visions returned. “…Knack?”
At press time, the Xbox Series X in the adjoining room told its loved ones that it could see a welcoming blue light.
