SAN FRANCISCO — Dave Filoni was forced to strike down auteur filmmaker George Lucas before taking on his new role as Chief Creative Lead at Lucasfilm, Bothan sources confirm.
“It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life,” said Filoni. “Not only was it challenging to work up the sheer willpower necessary to kill my mentor and good friend, but it also doesn’t really fit with what I imagine my in-universe persona would be. See, I’m more into the gray Jedi philosophy rather than straight-up Sith ideology. I reject both the dogma of the Jedi Council and the destructive teachings of Dark Side users. There’s a lot of reasons why, and I could go on about it forever. In fact, that’s how I killed George — I started talking about how Ahsoka found the true balance and bored him to death.”
Security recordings made available to the press showed Lucas accepting his fate while giving a cryptic monologue to his former pupil.
“Yes, yes, let the hate flow through you,” said Lucas, who was sitting in a throne-like chair with his eyes closed. “Not your hate. The hatred of a billion fans who will condemn you for every creative decision you make. Strike me down, and you will become exactly as I am. I shall pass this burden onto you, my apprentice. By taking their vitriol, you shall finally grant me peace.”
Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy said she was pleased with Filoni’s performance in quickly eliminating his former master.
“Mr. Lucas was receiving recognition for a property that is now largely Dave’s vision,” said Kennedy. “It is only natural that Dave would feel jealous and resentful of the man who had been pulling his strings for so long. Of course, that doesn’t mean that he’s truly free now. As a wise Jedi once said, ‘There’s always a bigger fish.’ Meesa thinkin’, Dave is in for a surprise. There’s a maxi big power above him. But that’s a longo tello.”
At press time, Filoni was seen forcing Jon Favreau and Tony Gilroy to fight to the death in order to determine who would become his new apprentice.
