METRO DETROIT –– An overly-zealous Instagram reply guy flexed his exceptional vocabulary in the comments of a 20 year-old woman on the platform, reports show. Writing what appears to be a disjointed yet compelling proclamation of his physical attraction to the young woman, our sources reluctantly confirmed the man has the best vocabulary they’ve ever seen.
“Behold a resplendent object, d’art your luscious bosom an exquisite fusion of sinuous curves and precise angles,” wrote Instagram User JuicyDave846245, without any punctuation . “Find nirvana in the ivory hue of your eyes as I gently caress the delicate filigree that rests between the crescendo of your hips––allow me the elusive pleasure of courting you my beautiful flower.” The man proceeded to respond to his own post with three comments, all reading “Please check your profile darling.”
Chloe Thompson, the subject of the man’s attempts at seduction, expressed discomfort about his relentless advances.
“I mean, it’s like there’s two elements at play. First of all, he’s like 70 years old. He literally has “father, grandfather” or some shit in his bio, like, front and center. Also, all of his media is ferociously horny? Like, how many times can you post the same gif of Leonardo DiCaprio biting his knuckles?”
Thomspon, however, couldn’t help but acknowledge his spectacular vocabulary.
“That said, he’s actually a really good writer. Genuinely, it’s super impressive. I mean, the dude is obviously a disgusting perv, but it’s like, almost kind of sad? If he put this kind of effort into poetry or something, maybe he’d be something one day.”
Despite her admiration for the man’s verbal prowess, Thompson reported the user for his persistent comments. Dylan Weller, a content supervisor for Instagram, admitted the man’s boundless vocabulary left him speechless.
“Typically, we’re handling your average social media garbage. But, reply guys, they’re different. I’ve long held the belief these guys are the last bastion of modern linguistics, yet, there’s still cases that blow you away,” Weller explained. “The man is a walking thesaurus. It’s kind of a monkey’s paw, you know? You carry the poetic gift of Shakesphere, yet all you can do is write about how bad you want to jerk off. Tragic, really…”
When asked to comment, JuicyDave846245 sent us sonnet telling us he had no comment, then asked if we had a sister.
