LOS ANGELES — Earlier today, acclaimed director Ridley Scott lashed out at critics who complained that his recently released biopic of Napoleon Bonaparte inaccurately portrayed the French general-turned-emperor as a habitual user of electronic cigarettes.
“I’m sorry, were these critics alive and walking around in post-revolutionary France?” complained the octogenarian filmmaker. “Who’s to say that Napoleon wasn’t excusing himself to the bathroom every few minutes so he could hit his Juul, or putting his hand to his face in a mock-thoughtful expression while taking a sneaky pull right in the living room? Are they suggesting Napoleon Bonaparte couldn’t zero? These guys act like they were there to hear him explicitly say that, ‘whiff of grape,’ was referring to cannons rather than his favorite flavor of juice. I honestly hope these assholes die.”
Many moviegoers expressed their appreciation for Scott’s film, saying that it taught them a lot about the historical dictator.
“I never realized how relatable Napoleon was,” said Tim Fields, who noted that the movie was, “way less boring,” than Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer,” which released earlier this year. “It was cool how he spent most of his time hitting his Juul while he played his Switch. None of my history teachers ever told me that Napoleon lost at Waterloo because he was too busy going for the dub in Fortnite, or that he agreed to the Louisiana Purchase because he had emptied the French Treasury to buy V-Bucks. I remembered that he had a girlfriend named Josephine or something, but I had no idea that she was an anime body pillow. The movie was seriously epic.”
Academics have largely declined to comment on the matter since Scott excoriated a history professor earlier this month for pointing out inaccuracies.
“Okay, sure, Napoleon choofed like a pro,” said Javier Wilder, a professor of European history at Dartmouth. “Is that what you want to hear? I got a threatening letter from Ridley Scott just for putting ‘Napoleon’ on my Letterboxd Watchlist. I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not on my Watchlist anymore. I don’t give a shit what’s in that movie. As far as I care, it’s all the Lord’s truth. Please don’t ask me any more questions.”
At press time, Scott revealed that the extended version of the film would feature four straight hours of Napoleon performing complicated vaping tricks.
