REDMOND, Wash. — The cafeteria at Nintendo of America’s headquarters is once more serving “the good fish sticks,” according to twelve year old Matty DeSoto, who claimed to have gotten the exclusive news from his uncle.
“My friends always think I’m lying when I tell them my uncle works at Nintendo, but it’s true,” said Desoto while playing Kirby on his Switch to take his mind off of the stress of being distrusted by his friends. “Uncle Theo said they used to have the good fish sticks, and then they changed suppliers. But now they’re back — he thinks they might even be Gorton’s. He says the tartar sauce is really good, too. Fish Stick Friday is a pretty big deal over there, so everyone’s really excited. It might not always be exclusive news on unannounced games, but he tells me insider stuff all the time. How else would I know that they play Zelda music in the bathrooms, or that they just upgraded their whole HVAC system?”
Matty’s uncle, Theo DeSoto, confirmed that he is indeed an employee of Nintendo, and that he does occasionally divulge some privileged information to his young nephew.
“It’s true, I do work at Nintendo,” said Theo Desoto by phone over the noise of a floor buffer. “But, okay, so I’m a maintenance engineer. So what? I’m still right in the thick of it. I’m privy to all kinds of information. For instance, did you know that the executives have fancy, expensive toilet paper flown in from Japan? Recently, I told Matty about the elevators that make a Mario coin sound when you get to your floor. Oh, and here’s some gaming news: I overheard that the next Super Smash Bros. game is going to feature even more beloved Nintendo characters. How about that for a scoop?”
Robyn Corr, Nintendo of America’s Senior Vice President of Human Resources, said that having an uncle with a normal job at Nintendo can be challenging for kids such as Matty.
“It can be really tough for kids that have an uncle who actually works at Nintendo, but has what might be considered an unexciting job. Other kids don’t want to hear about what temperature they keep the offices at, or what brand of floor polish they use. They want to know about new features of Breath of the Wild 2, or when Metroid Prime 4 is coming out. We employ many, many uncles here, and not all of them get to have cool jobs. The thing that kids don’t understand is that someone’s got to do all the banal tasks that keep a multinational corporation running, like sorting mail, cleaning the bathrooms and polishing the many Miyamoto statues.”
As of press time, Theo DeSoto had texted his nephew that the cafeteria made a special gluten-free Kirby birthday cake for someone in the Accounts Payable department who has celiac disease.
