REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo executives issued an odd press release today, confirming that beloved video game icon Kirby “feels every last bit” of the various transformations and mutations he undergoes in a typical adventure of his.
“Make no mistake, that little puffball feels every last bit of flesh tearing and reforming every time he assumes the form of another one of his victims,” said Doug Bowser or something. “Before every game, we sit down and talk about just all of the ways that Kirby would be in unbearable, excruciating pain. In fact, you might even say that by playing the game, you the player are the one keeping Kirby in constant torment.”
Gamers everywhere were disturbed by the revelation.
“Why the fuck even tell us that,” wondered Corey Vincent, a longtime Nintendo fan. “I first tried to shake it off because, like, it’s just a game, I know it’s not real. But then I was playing Smash Bros and god damn, I kept seeing Kirby taking awful beatings and it was just too much for me man. I spent the rest of the day fishing in Stardew Valley, just trying to chill out.”
When asked to elaborate on the confusing disclosure, Nintendo executives claimed that this was an attribute that belonged solely to Kirby, star of dozens of games dating back to 1992’s Kirby’s Dream Land on the Game Boy.
“No, none of our other characters feel pain, don’t be ridiculous,” said Denise Clausen, a publicist with Nintendo. “These aren’t real people we are talking about. Kirby, on the other hand, you might say that a lot of us around here believe that each representation of Kirby is real in its own way, and that it ought to be tortured merely for existing. Oh crap, I’ve probably said too much. Do you guys want to ask me about the Switch Pro or anything?”
As of press time, Nintendo said they’re probably going to make a Switch Pro.
