January 15, 2022 Newly-Elected Mayor Pledges to Build Roads, Expand Industrial District, Summon Deadly Tornado Newly-Elected Mayor Pledges to Build Roads, Expand Industrial District, Summon Deadly Tornado OW MY ASSVILLE — The mysterious new mayor, who no one remembers electing, has laid out a bold plan for 2022 which involves investing in…
January 14, 2022 Opinion: I Feel Safer Knowing Kirby Owns a Gun Opinion: I Feel Safer Knowing Kirby Owns a Gun This week, Nintendo released new footage of Kirby: The Forgotten Land featuring the titular pink puffball character displaying a new copy ability: the right to…
January 14, 2022 Catholic Kid CONFIRMED??? Catholic Kid CONFIRMED??? You’re gonna want to sit down for this one! After years of speculation, Hard Drive has acquired footage from a private conference at Reaching Souls…
January 13, 2022 DLC Unlocks Expansive New Region of Chores DLC Unlocks Expansive New Region of Chores MONTREAL — Reviews have been favorable for the paid expansions to Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, with gamers praising the vast, colorful new landscapes, dense with chores.…
January 12, 2022 BREAKING: Flamethrower Guy Has Thing on His Back You Can Shoot BREAKING: Flamethrower Guy Has Thing on His Back You Can Shoot JUST OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL — Reconnaissance from the makeshift battlefield has confirmed that the guy with the huge flamethrower just wrecking all of us right…
January 11, 2022 Gamer Who Just Bought ‘Pokémon Shining Pearl’ Suddenly Really Concerned About Going Outside During Omicron Gamer Who Just Bought ‘Pokémon Shining Pearl’ Suddenly Really Concerned About Going Outside During Omicron CHARLOTTE, N.C. — In the weeks since buying Pokémon Shining Pearl for the Nintendo Switch, local gamer Calvin Palmer has expressed increasing concern about leaving…
January 10, 2022 Take-Two Decides to Acquire Zynga for $12.7 Billion Instead of Waiting 24 Hours Take-Two Decides to Acquire Zynga for $12.7 Billion Instead of Waiting 24 Hours NEW YORK — Take-Two Interactive made a shocking acquisition today, opting to buy mobile game company Zynga for $12.7 billion dollars instead of waiting 24…
January 10, 2022 I Touched Every Blade of Grass in ‘Breath of the Wild’ and Learned I Need to Make Increasingly Complicated Video Game Content In Order to Feel Anything Anymore I Touched Every Blade of Grass in ‘Breath of the Wild’ and Learned I Need to Make Increasingly Complicated Video Game Content In Order to Feel Anything Anymore If you’re familiar with my work or video game content in general, you know that I love to go to ridiculous lengths to find unique…
January 8, 2022 Tranquil, Meditative Puzzle Game Being Real Piece of Shit Today Tranquil, Meditative Puzzle Game Being Real Piece of Shit Today CHICAGO — A series of slowly paced puzzle games have dangerously raised the blood pressure of local man Harry Foster, worried neighbors reported yesterday. “He…
