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Politics

July 4, 2021

245 Seasons In, America Still Unplayable Without Cheat Codes

245 Seasons In, America Still Unplayable Without Cheat Codes

WASHINGTON — On the day marking its 245th season in existence, experts on the country The United States of America have confirmed that it is…

June 30, 2021

‘Call of Duty’ Announces Double Loot Weekend in Honor of Donald Rumsfeld

‘Call of Duty’ Announces Double Loot Weekend in Honor of Donald Rumsfeld

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision has announced Call of Duty will let players loot twice as much this coming weekend, to honor the passing of…

June 7, 2021

Confused LARPer Unsure Why Everyone Here Is Same Class and Race

Confused LARPer Unsure Why Everyone Here Is Same Class and Race

PARIS, Texas — Local payroll advisor and fantasy enthusiast Richard Corben found himself confused this past weekend when he noticed every other attendee at his…

May 17, 2021

Biden Has Aides Tattoo Legislature Plans on Body

Biden Has Aides Tattoo Legislature Plans on Body

WASHINGTON — Drawing inspiration from the Christopher Nolan film Memento, President Joe Biden announced today that he has enlisted aides to tattoo his legislature plans…

May 15, 2021

IGN Switzerland Announces They Are Staying Neutral in Battle Between IGN America and IGN Israel

IGN Switzerland Announces They Are Staying Neutral in Battle Between IGN America and IGN Israel

ZÜRICH — After the American IGN published an article Saturday morning with ways to help Palestinians in the wake of an Israeli invasion and IGN…

May 14, 2021

Mass Shootings Drop to 0 After Congress Increases Minimum Death Requirement to 1,000

Mass Shootings Drop to 0 After Congress Increases Minimum Death Requirement to 1,000

WASHINGTON — Democrats and Republicans in the Senate voted unanimously today on a bill that raises the minimum number of deaths required for something to…

May 12, 2021

New GTA “Israel Mode” Gives Civilians a Little Pocket Knife so You Feel Better About Going on Murderous Rampage

New GTA “Israel Mode” Gives Civilians a Little Pocket Knife so You Feel Better About Going on Murderous Rampage

NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto 5 is getting a new Israel-themed game mode that gives tiny pocket knives to pedestrians, meaning you can murder…

April 19, 2021

Wealthy Cannibal Conflicted on “Eat the Rich”

Wealthy Cannibal Conflicted on “Eat the Rich”

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cannibal Stewart Loarfy is reportedly conflicted about the rise of “eat the rich” sentiments on account of his massive wealth, according…

April 12, 2021

Andrew Yang Proposes to Sell New York City as NFT to Raise Money for Police Department

Andrew Yang Proposes to Sell New York City as NFT to Raise Money for Police Department

NEW YORK — New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Yang announced today that, if elected, he will list the city to be sold as an…