May 5, 2022 Supreme Court Restricts Abortion to Anyone Who Can Complete ‘The Gauntlet’ Supreme Court Restricts Abortion to Anyone Who Can Complete ‘The Gauntlet’ WASHINGTON — In a shocking unanimous decision today, the Supreme Court of the United States voted to permanently restrict abortion to any brave soul that…
March 11, 2022 CDC Struggling to Find Word for New Covid Variant That Lets You Rearrange the Letters to Spell “Media Mind Control Now” CDC Struggling to Find Word for New Covid Variant That Lets You Rearrange the Letters to Spell “Media Mind Control Now” ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is reportedly struggling to find a name for a new hyper-contagious strain of COVID-19 so…
February 25, 2022 New ‘JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure’ Inspired QAnon Theory Suggests Donald Trump Will Soon Unleash his Stand New ‘JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure’ Inspired QAnon Theory Suggests Donald Trump Will Soon Unleash his Stand PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conspiracy-minded followers of the enigmatic cult figure QAnon have developed a new popular theory inspired by the anime JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure…
January 17, 2022 Employees Urged to Keep Working After T-Virus Exposure Unless They Have Giant Eyeball Growing Out of Their Shoulder Employees Urged to Keep Working After T-Virus Exposure Unless They Have Giant Eyeball Growing Out of Their Shoulder RACCOON CITY — The Raccoon City Health Department (RCHD) recently advised employees exposed to the rapidly spreading T-Virus to continue reporting for work, unless their…
January 14, 2022 Opinion: I Feel Safer Knowing Kirby Owns a Gun Opinion: I Feel Safer Knowing Kirby Owns a Gun This week, Nintendo released new footage of Kirby: The Forgotten Land featuring the titular pink puffball character displaying a new copy ability: the right to…
January 11, 2022 Man Binging New Podcast Reaches the One After Trump Got Elected Man Binging New Podcast Reaches the One After Trump Got Elected NEW YORK — A man binge-listening to the backlog of his new favorite podcast has finally gotten to the one right after Trump got elected,…
January 7, 2022 Bill Clinton Releases Annual List of Favorite Dating Sims Set in a High School Bill Clinton Releases Annual List of Favorite Dating Sims Set in a High School NEW YORK — Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly finally revealed his Favorite Dating Sims Set in a High School list for 2021, posting his…
December 5, 2021 Deposed Cuomo Brothers Get Into Plumbing Business Deposed Cuomo Brothers Get Into Plumbing Business NEW YORK — Following CNN’s recent termination of Chris Cuomo, former governor Andrew Cuomo joined his brother to announce their plan to pivot their careers…
November 4, 2021 Gal Gadot Demands Evil Queen Be Renamed “Queen Acting in Self Defense” Gal Gadot Demands Evil Queen Be Renamed “Queen Acting in Self Defense” LOS ANGELES — Before signing on to play the Evil Queen in Snow White, Gal Gadot insisted that Disney rename the character Queen Who Is…
