KYOTO, Japan— Nintendo released a cryptic statement today alleging that the Mario who enters one of the iconic green pipes in any video game is a different Mario than the one who exits.
“While it may seem to be the same Mario from Point A to Point B, it brings us no pleasure to reveal that this is not the case,” said the statement, released in the dead of night. “The Marios who leave the pipes are wholly new creatures. We don’t know what they want from us or what’s happened to the old ones. All we know is that they’re here. Every time you enter a warp pipe in one of our games, you are essentially killing the Mario that you’re controlling.”
The revelation that players are personally responsible for the eradication of billions of innocent Marios simply by playing has unsettled the Mario community.
“I always noticed that Mario had one or two pixels out of place coming out of the pipes, but I chalked it up to Nintendo’s hardware being underpowered,” said Mario 64 speedrunner KoopaTuna. “I never realized that I was destroying the Mario I was playing with atom by atom and replacing it with some…thing. How many Marios am I responsible for?”
Nintendo has refused to comment further and has actively sought to silence those who wish to release more information.
“They’ve known this since the beginning,” wrote a mysterious message by “PikminDaddy” posted to 4Chan’s /v/ board. “It goes all the way to the top. I’ve tried for years to reveal it, but they’ve stopped me at every turn. This is just the beginning. Haven’t you ever wondered where the Donkey Kongs in the barrels came from???? My uncle works at Nintendo and gave me all the inside details!!!!”
At press time, hundreds of unsuspecting tourists were lined up to enter a big pipe at Universal Studios Japan’s Super Nintendo World, unaware of the grim fate that awaits them.
