MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber Mario is in turmoil after receiving a claim denial from his insurance company for a life-saving surgery for his pet Yoshi. The denial prompts an impossible decision for Mario: to either pay for the surgery and take on a mountain of medical debt or say goodbye to a longtime friend.
“It’s-a crock of shit,” Mario said, before sharing details of the procedure Yoshi required, which would remove a lump from his collar-bone area. “You pay for the pet insurance, and you think you’re-a ready to go. Then you get a letter that the vet is out of network and the surgery isn’t covered. Mama Mia.”
Weighing his options, Mario’s eyes started to water as he imagined the worst outcome.
“He’s not ready to die, but where-a am I going to find 10,000 coins? I don’t have access to that kind of money,” Mario said, covering his face and trying to push back tears. “Someone should-a do something about these insurance companies. They’ve got money to pay for their mascots, but when it comes to saving a life, there is a hard line. Mama Mia. Fuck-a you, Jake from State Farm. Fuck-a you, Flo. And Fuck-a you, Lemu Emu.”
Mario melted into tears as he decried every insurance mascot he could think of. At this time, his brother and fellow plumber, Luigi, ushered members of the press out of the room.
“Please give my family privacy while we face this terrible situation,” Luigi said calmly, before being bombarded by questions from the press. “Please. No more questions. We are looking to start a GoFundMe for Yoshi’s surgery. Right now, I just want to take care of my brother. Once he’s settled down, then we can work on taking care of the problem.”
At press time the GoFundMe campaign for Yoshi’s surgery had met its goal. Unfortunately, it was too late. Yoshi had passed in his sleep the previous night. The Mario brothers are now looking to donate the funds to a local no kill Yoshi shelter.
